I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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