Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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