On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
