I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
