Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
