I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
