I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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