I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
