first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
