We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
