I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
