Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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