I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
