i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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