I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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