i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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