Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
