Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The adults are the big ones right?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
