Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
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Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
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He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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