The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
