My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
