My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
