I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
