Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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