Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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