i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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