He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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