remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
