batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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