I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
