Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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