Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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