I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
