I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
COCAINE IS GR8
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