Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
