just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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