I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
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The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
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I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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