first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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