I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
