The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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