i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
