The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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