I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
