you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Oh god it's open bar.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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