Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
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he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
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I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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