I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
