i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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