So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
