The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
