So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
