you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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