Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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