Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
