im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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