He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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