Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
