I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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