I'm so fucking centered right now
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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