filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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