Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
