You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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